Today our professor informed us that two days before class started, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and has since (in about seven weeks) undergone four surgical procedures. She didn’t cry, but she choked up and quickly left the room after the announcement, while the rest of us sat in stunned silence. It was very moving. Here is our hard-as-nails professor baring her soul to us, a bunch of students who were just trying to “get by.”At the beginning of the class, we were all first terrifed by her demands, and then irritated by her tough exterior and seemingly unavailable attitude. I’m pretty sure after class today, we all felt like shit. I know I did. Although I never said anything too horrific about her, I definitely did my share of commiserating and begrudging. Now I feel horrible, knowing what this woman must have been (and still is) going through. Without ever knowing about her diagnosis, I had noticed her softening up towards the end of our class, but I never knew why. Now I understand that this kinder, softer, more human person is the real instructor, and I wish I would have taken the time to get to know her even at the beginning of the class.

So, in honor of my instructor, I joined the American Association of Critical Care Nurses (AACN) tonight. Previously, I had asked her to recommend some reading for my upcoming ICU internship, and she suggested that I join the organization while I could still get a good student rate, and read their journals. I’m taking her up on it, for one, because I want the journals, for two, because I believe these organizations generally do good in terms of promoting the profession, and three, because it’s my way of honoring this professor who really did her best during an incredibly tough time. I have the deepest admiration for her tough exterior. Did I mention she did an oncology lecture with no sign of breaking? Sheer will.

So. Today was one of those days that I’ll probably remember for many years. I know for sure that the lesson was that important. And she immediatly became one of those professors that I’ll probably remember, too, although I think I would have remembered her anyway because she taught the critical care course that I loved and hated, and also briefly became the personification of all those “anti-new grad in the ICU” attitudes. (However, by the end, she stated that she supported my own plight, and even at the time, I felt very flattered.)

I speak of this woman as if she’s already died. Sorry to eulogize. I have no idea what her prognosis is, but I think her fight deserves some recognition. She was such a mixed bag for me before I knew of her diagnosis. A love-hate relationship that, in a few weeks, had really developed into a deep respect and better understanding, on my part. And then she dropped this bombshell and I just don’t know what to think. But I was frequently impressed by the compassion that seemed to flow from this woman. You can hear it in her lectures. She knows what good nursing is. She’s the advocate you want by your side if you can’t speak for yourself. I hope she has someone to stand by her side when things get tough, too.

I’m not a religious person so I can’t say that I’ll pray for her. But this woman will be in my thoughts as she battles this thing. I hope she knows she’s changed me.

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